Ever since WFL is back to work, I had not been kind w words to her. Everyone were like shocked at the way I talk to her. While everyone were talking to her w much more concern and gentleness, I throw her w hard facts and "this will happen if u do that" etc.
Well, it's all because soft tactics no longer work on her. of cos I am still worried abt her. But jus tt, she's too stubborn. So stubborn tt sometimes I wanna smack her head. Haiz.
She dunno, how many ppl wished that doctors would tell them that the "supposedly tumour" is not harmful, and she can cont to live. She dunno.. How many ppl would rejoice over that, and take this chane to make sure things dun go wrong anymore, and take precautions by monitoring own progress etc. She jus dunno.. How we wished papa's results could tell us that it's nothing! She jus dunno how to cherish wat has been given to her.. But all she cared is to give her children a smooth life.. But she didn't care or know tt it's her health that they would be more concerned abt in the end.
From next week onwards, I am giving up my 3 meter long table and personal computer and a peaceful large micro lab where I can scream and talk to myself like no ones business for her sake.
The chemists talked to me and we evaluated what is best for her. Which jobscope would keep her least stressed and safer. Hey. I dun mean my job is not stressed ok.. Cos I am only passing back half of my jobscope k.. Yup.. So decided to let her return back to micro lab. W the reasons that CCL dowan me alr, cos I am too messy w the purchasing stuffs in the micro room and he have diff justifying, which is bullshit la.. Haha.. And also, going to tell her that I requested for it. Cos I am sick of my darling bacterias and wan to try amox.
And yes, seriously, I am ok w doing any part of the lab. Cos to me, it's a job, and I only aim to excel in whatever I do, whatever it is.
Right now I only scared that my tiny heart cannot take it, cos I will mean that I have no much time to handle purchasing stuffs and I would have no time to interview other colleagues for my FYP.
>.< but nvm.. All for her own good and everyone else 安心, I can take it!
Yes I can.
Have a little faith, jus a lil will do. :)

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
6:48 AM

Was talking to cuzzies jus now.. Left me with much tots.. Why Gor would wan to move out and prefer to live w us cuzzies.. I'd probably leave all the hsework for him to do. (joke)
There are many things which I dun understand, and would nv agree to. and I tried to share some of my understanding of life and the real working world w them. Life is not as superficial and simple as it deems to be.
I do not understand why would ah te envy someone, his teacher and say that, at only age 34, he can easily have 100k in his bank. I tot, so what? W no assets, no nothing, 100k is damn little k. it is not unattainable at tt age. And having 5k a month at that age is probably a little little. I told him my bosses earned at least 10k a month at that age. And yes, I aspire to earn that much at that age too, but I do not aspire to be my bosses.
then talking abt family etc, if papa is still ard, I'd love to jus buy him a car and jus let him drive ard and probably pick me up. But papa probably wouldn't wan to drive anymore after retirement. :) but... Haiz..
Was talking to mummy abt diff thinking of her and papa in the past.. Evaluating why and what they were always unhappy abt.. Due to character and differences in their views on life. Mummy hopes to earn and save more so tt we can have a better life.. But papa jus have the mentality that enough is good enough. And tt papa, is jus simple, and simply tot of others more than himself.. And in himself, includes us. It's jus him, if others are happy, he is happy too. All in all, I am glad that I have the mentality of both of them in me, that's why I am able to contradict myself.. :) and able to see more side of views..
But after speaking much abt it, I had to prevent my tears from falling.. Cos it had been my greatest motivation and motive in life to give my parents a good life, to let papa retire, to let him enjoy his life w no worries, and jus let him enjoy playing and drinking tea w his frens.. I would say, i had worked very hard for the past few years.. To an extend, i make sure i made my name in the company, and my colleagues would say "if theres anna, theres no problem". And yes, i aimed to be better than any one of my colleagues. That's why, when I couldn't provide for my dad anymore, plus a bastard who drag my life down further w ridiculous excuses, I lost my direction in life. And for the past year, i had been really slack at work and sch and life. Couldn't let my dad have a good life, is the greatest regret in my life. I jus felt tt life had been unfair to him all his life.. His whole life, was always abt others.. Nv himself.. But he didn't get to have an easy one. this alone, will be the reason for me to tear.
Today, I found back my purpose. I know what I wan and sld be achieving. I have rested enough, it's time to chiong forward.

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
11:57 PM

Jus ordered dinner at the CC downstairs.. The aunty can't seem to understand what I said.. So funny.. I think I am speaking alien or I cannot express myself well.. Haha
And I saw the 有缘 aunty.. See her last time so strong, so smart and swift actions.. But now turn into a whole diff person.. Jus cos of dementia (老人痴呆症).. Is a very sad thing..
Haiz.. Dunno wat to say.. I hope to be like papa.. Smart and clear headed all the way..
Kinda miss papa smile and voice (though he deafen me every morn..).. But it's ok ya? The image and voice will always be in my head. Am jus afraid that I will forget one day.. Really afraid as my memory is really like failing..
Let me see u in my dreams k. I got lots to share w u. :)

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
7:45 PM

that WFL... buay tahan..
Ytd go for medical review, tell and force the doc to discharge her cos she dowan to continue checkups for her head problem.
then today come back, then found out that she will not be able to claim subsidies cos shes now considered private outpatient.
its a diff of thousands la.
stupid la. she always do things without thinking of the consequences.
after that then say that life is not fair to her.
then now the company doc wan to see her cos the private doc informed the company that its her responsibility now that she wanna discharge herself.
then she still insist wan to go for our procurement training later and dowan to go see the company doc first!! which is more impt??!! bloody hell..
after that still come and ask me which training room is it. and then i scolded her! and ask her to go to the doc now! idiot la!! there are only 2 training rooms here la! open wrong door later, jus open the other door! but life, once u choose the wrong path, its diff to get back on track!
IRRITATED.
i cannot stand her alr. i think i am going to scold her all the time for her insensible thinking.
AND THIS IS FOR HER OWN GOOD.
%$^#@&%^!

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
9:35 AM

cluster houses..
the kind of house that i had imagined since young without knowing that there actually are!
right now, theres a proposal.. for 2 families to combine..
i know gor's good intention is that he can also help to take care of mummy. ^_^
but then.. its a good 2mil.. 2mil.. is not a small amount!
i am so tempted.. but i dun wanna be in debts.. i have NV been in debts.. *except for late CC payments =X*
but i am really really so tempted la!!
last few months, we were looking at overseas investment.. resort kind.. didnt dare to put down the downpayment.. cos afraid that its a scam.. haa.. then i will have to declare bankcrupt le..
but actually, i was also looking at one of melbourne's condo.. so pretty. haha
for the cluster house, it will be about 2K - 3K per family per month!
lets say 3K, each person one K, is still feasible la.. but then, next time if they married out liao then how?? how to split then?
hmm.. wait. base on my salary now, its crazy! cos i will have no savings!! NO SAVINGS I WILL DIE.. cos nv see my bank increase, i will be very de-motivated!
and comparing my aspirations, dreams etc. of cos this is one of it..
but then, i will wan to do my business thing first.. I MUST DO.. =(
then looking at the bright side, if i managed to succeed in my business, then hohoho..
but if fail, then happy new year. can be an employee forever!
these few weeks, there had been ppl asking what my interests is in..
seriously, i am a jack of all trades, master of none!
u'd say, definitely theres something u prefer more!
i'd tell you, DEFINITELY!!
been thinking thinking for weeks alr..
i like food and designing and seeing other ppl happy..
though i cannot cook, neither do i design well.. but then, these can be practised!
i have tot of an idea to integrate all my interests together..
and that feeling is so strong like i have to do it soon!!
oh please.. i wanna do it.. please.. AH MIN.. PLEASE!!!
i am looking at after grad. =) but.. argh... i gotta convince my shareholders!!
and yes, i need guts..
PLEASE.. GIMME GUTS...
LOTSA IT!
WWOOOOHH!!!
I CAN. DEFINITELY CAN.
cos its ME! ^_^

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
9:01 AM

tried to start my day peacefully, everything went smoothly, not much ppl on train, bus come on time etc.
THEN. reach company, william had to do that "die" handsign to me.
THEN. tell me si liao la. (die alr)
THEN. tell me that DOW JONES dua lou4.
THEN. HIT my shoulders.
THEN. repeat these 2 more times.
I TELL U. I AM DAMN PANTANG ONE.
-Dun say the word "die" early in the morn to me. (sorry, affected by papa de. i'll get slapped if i say that.)
- Dun say any bu ji li words early in the morning! morning is supposed to be a good start to a motivated day!
- Dun touch me in the morning! i BITE.
ARGH.
its so expected that Dow Jones will drop ya?!! no point telling me that everyday!
And for goodness sake, i told him i dun monitor index le la!!
its jus me. its jus me. its jus me.
TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
its jus me. my own prob. everythings fine.
ARGH!!!
ok i am ok alr.
=)

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
7:49 AM

and because i helped you, u didnt show appreciation.
make me look like a clown, make ppl think that why i intro such a person.
DAMN U.
now u wanna ask me to send u a report for ref.
Not in my life. Its not my report, its my leader's.
Not going to give u, even if is mine.
And cos u like to beat ard the bush to get ur aim, i can jolly well become a Kampong ger and catch cricket w u.
good luck to you.
I think i helped u enough.
enough is enough.
dun go ard pretending alr.
i am tired to even pretend along w u.
thank you.

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
1:23 PM

The only time I cannot take it when ppl talk w passion is probably when my lecturer talks w that sparkle in his eyes...
I simply cannot understand why..
Why I cannot understand, and why they have passion in this kind of things!
>.<
to each his own..
Omg.

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
7:17 PM

Jus now, out of a sudden, WFL called me and all I heard was crying and crying.. She told me abt her situation etc, and I was surprised tt I could keep calm and talk to her..
I was the first one she called right after she received her results.. I didn't know what to do. Really dunno. only can tell her to calm down first, all is not confirmed. Tell her what she sld do, like check into the hospital and not hide in the toilet, and listen to what the doc tells her to do. Cos I am afraid that she will jus run missing like she always avoid doc appts..
And after all tt, I went to do my work or 2 hours, and cried for 2 hours at the same time.
She is really the colleague who treated me best.. And since she is only willing to tell me abt her condition and her ward number, I sld and must go down to visit her.
But I am jus afraid that I have bacteria on me cos of the test I did previously..
I am a sucker for this kind of situation.. Now on the train, and tears jus keep flowing. I need to become calm when I see her later..
Keep my cool... For I wan to be a support for her.. Jiayou Fuilin.

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
5:16 PM

Seriously disliking myself.
Haiz.

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
9:04 PM

I must be out of my mind.
But it was burdening me, somehow.
I had to get rid of it.
So I did it.
Now my mind is back.
:)
It feels kinda good.

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
8:50 PM

That stupid man! Dunno how he walk! End up like kicking my feet like a soccer ball..
But there was no feeling.
Cos it's painful till numb!
Now the pain is coming! And I think my nail broke or wat.
Sickening man. I wonder if my little toe broke. It still have no feeling.
Argh!
And one day I am going to jab tt uncle who always stand beside me on the bus in his ribcage.
Man! A bulk of nuisance!
>.<

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
5:27 PM

somehow i feel that once i am bias towards a person, i will jus remain bias.
Not the kind of i treat the person well then i treat the person well forever.
its the once i dislike u, theres little ways to make me like u. rather, no way.
>.<
brought a new kind of gloves for them to try out.
Whats wrong w purple colour.
does the colour hinder u from doing work?
damn.
boss said, he thinks theres a special disposal method for purple coded gloves.
and that purple could be used to handle cancer based drugs.
so i gotta find out.
this is reasonable.
cos its may be regulations.
but, can TKK stop saying so much.
>.< i said, boss say its cancer drugs.
she keep saying its for cancer patients so she feel this gloves is not so nice to be used here.
i repeated it may be for cancer drugs.
she had to say it again.
WATS WRONG W CANCER PATIENTS!
ARENT THEY HUMANS TOO!
DAMN IT.
sorry, i basically nv sleep again.
so i am PMS-ey again.
she better not go and keep telling ppl that again.
COS CANCER PATIENTS ARE HUMANS TOO AND GLOVES REGARDLESS OF WATEVER BLOODY COLOUR, IF ITS FIT FOR USE, I'D BLOODY GET A HOT PINK, BRIGHT GREEN, STRIKING ORANGE, BLOODY RED FOR U ALL.
>.<
ARGH.

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
7:49 AM

WFL is ill.. she had been on mc since last thurs.. fainted at home. But when I was back on mon, ppl tot I was the one who fainted instead.
Well, I called her ytd. She told me abt what happened to her.. And she sounds scared.. And upset.. I dunno how to console her.. Though results not out yet, I really scared for her too. I really hope she's alright and will learn her lesson..
For 5 yrs.. I've been nagging at her to take less sweet stuff.. Seeing that she has conditions and likely symptoms for diabetes.. And diabetes will lead to kidney failure. Motivated her to drink water (though me myself dun..) and limit her food she eats at work. But she always come back telling me she finished her whole jar of cookies, one whole chocolate cake (yes, one whole), one box of mooncake (yes, 4 big ones in an hour) etc, then come and tell me how nice how sweet they were. then blaming that her family no ones eat. Even her son and daughter are health conscious and know how to limit lo.. Haiz..
And yes, I get disappointed everytime.. And I jus gave up nagging at her, but rather shoot her w the possible consequences that she may face. I tot that being hurting would maybe make her face up. But.. She still continued. Like some ass would say, it's her life, if she dun help herself, no one can help her. So true. But I didn't wan to not even try helping her.
But it's really tiring.
Well, most ppl stopped reminding her etc Liao.. And ytd phone call, however bad I may sound, (I didn't say much) is jus preparing her.. :(
I didn't wan to do this too. :(
jus like I've been teaching her how to take the mrt.. For years... Yes, take mrt.. and yet, ytd, while she wan to take to Chinatown, she got out at bugis, harbour front and punggol without seeing where she exactly is. Then end up go home without going to her destinated place. how on earth does a person get lost on the NEL and missed Chinatown, and can take from one end to the other?
Haiz.. See why I give up? It's not as though she can't read.. Haiz..
Well, all I can do now is wish for the best for her..
Another person.. TKK.. Ytd when me and colleagues were talking abt how my 师父 is, she had to bring out how unhappy she is w him last time, how bad to get along he is. Shit la... It's been abt 5 yrs since he left!! And still freaking bring up those incidents.
But I spoke up for 师父, say he is not diff to get along. I wanted to continue saying, its jus tt u cannot understand him. But when I am not complete, she said, "then 是我难相处咯." freaking irritated I wanted to say, 知道就好. But I kept quiet. And guess what the rest of them do?? Nv say anything and jus stand up and go wash their cups.. Tea break over lo!!
Haha... I hope she knows our meaning.. Haiz..
Well, I jus can't stand ppl maligning my 师父.. Cos he is really a nice person, who is always being misunderstood. And he is really nice to me when I was his partner.. But TKK jus dun have that 默契 w me.. Making me freaking unbalanced almost everyday.
And I wonder how he is now.. I hope he is well too.. Sld be retired alr..
Haiz..
Hope everyone is well la..
Me myself is collapsing too.
Argh.
Year end year end year end faster come...
:)

\\`jUz m3 mYs3lF & i`//
7:13 AM